yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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