I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
