There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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