Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
