You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Me too!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
