people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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