I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
