My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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