Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
