fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
