i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
