Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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