I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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