Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
