well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
