Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drunk is not a location!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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