i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
