dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
