she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
