I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
