Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
