Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
