I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
