he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
