i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
