I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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