Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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