so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
