Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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