i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
