I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
