Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
