Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
