I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
