i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
