I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
His nipple licking is glorious
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