Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
