you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
