Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
