4 words: hood of his car
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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