everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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