great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
