I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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