Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
