Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
