So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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