You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
