Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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