I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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