I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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