it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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