Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
