Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
